What exactly is it that I am supposed to deny?

The Command of Christ: More Than a Slogan
We often hear our Lord’s solemn call, echoing down the centuries through the Gospels and the Liturgy alike: “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”  - (Luke 9:23)
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It is a verse so often quoted that it risks becoming background noise. But this is no vague spiritual suggestion, it is a direct summons from the mouth of the God-Man, Christ Himself. And if we’re honest, many of us have recited this passage without ever stopping to ask: What exactly is it that I am supposed to deny?
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Some interpret this to mean that we must reject pleasure altogether, or that we must cast aside our personalities and identities in favor of some sterile version of piety. But in the Orthodox Church, this call has never been understood as a rejection of joy or uniqueness. It is a summons to a deeper truth: to put to death not our humanity, but the distorted version of ourselves that has grown comfortable in sin.

The True Self and the False Self
Within each of us is a battle, not between good and evil as abstract forces “out there,” but within our very soul. The Fathers of the Church, especially the desert dwellers like St. Evagrius of Pontus, spoke of the soul as being inhabited by a “legion of other selves” fragments of who we are, distorted by passion, fear, ego, and the fallen world. These false selves pose as our identity, but they are not truly us. They are the noise that drowns out the quiet voice of Christ within.

Orthodoxy teaches that we are created in the image and likeness of God. That image has not been destroyed, only darkened. Denying ourselves, then, does not mean rejecting our being, it means clearing away the fog. It means allowing the true self, the Christ-shaped self, to rise to the surface. It means repentance, a return to the person God created us to be before we clothed ourselves in fear, pride, and distraction.

This is Not Self-Help. This is the Cross
The process of uncovering the true self is not about positive thinking or modern self-improvement. It is not a spiritualized version of self-esteem. It is nothing short of crucifixion. The Orthodox path is not gentle in this regard, it is honest. We must die daily. We must crucify the ego with its delusions and defenses. Not to become nobodies, but so that we might finally become real.

We are not called to wear the cross like an accessory. We are called to carry it. Not just during Lent, or during moments of suffering, but daily, through obedience, prayer, silence, sacramental life, fasting, and above all, love. We do not carry our crosses for our own glory or personal brand of holiness. We carry them for the healing of the world, as members of the Body of Christ.

The Resistance of the Ego
Yet no part of us resists this call more than the ego. It clings tightly to control. It will do anything to preserve itself, to remain unexposed. The ego prefers reputation over repentance, comfort over communion, and illusion over light. It whispers, “You’re already holy enough. You’re doing just fine. You’ve grown. You don’t need to change.”

But the Cross cuts through the lie.

The ego wants to be admired, not transformed. It fears the fire of grace because grace requires surrender. But Christ did not come to decorate the ego with religious trinkets. He came to destroy the works of the devil, including the carefully constructed idol of self that we all carry within us. The cross we bear is not against us, it is for us. It is the instrument of healing.

The Orthodox Path of Repentance
The Orthodox life is a life of continual return. “Open to me the gates of repentance, O Giver of Life,” we chant at the beginning of Great Lent. But these gates are not seasonal, they are ever-present, always ready to open when we approach with humility. Self-denial is the key that unlocks them. Repentance is not shame, it is the reclaiming of our identity in Christ.

Through the sacraments, through confession and communion, through prostrations and tears, we begin to clear away the rust from the soul. Little by little, we begin to hear again the voice of the true Shepherd. And we begin to remember who we are.

Denying Ourselves to Become Ourselves
So what are we truly denying?

We deny the illusion that we are self-sufficient. We deny the whisper that says we are the center of the universe. We deny the mask that hides our wounds. And in doing so, we discover something precious, our true face in Christ.

We do not lose our humanity, we gain it back. We do not reject joy, we find it transfigured. We do not become less ourselves, we become icons of the One who is Life Himself.

This is the beauty of the Orthodox path. We are not escaping the world, we are transfiguring it. We are not escaping the self, we are resurrecting it.

A Final Prayer of Surrender
As I reflect on all this, not as one who has mastered anything, but as one still being shaped by the loving hands of the Father, I return, as always, to the Jesus Prayer. Not because it is a ritual, but because it is a lifeline.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

I pray this not because I am worthless, but because I am infinitely loved.
Not because I am beyond hope, but because I am constantly being remade.
Not because I’ve arrived, but because I’m still following the One who has already gone ahead, through Gethsemane, through Golgotha, through the tomb, and into the bright light of resurrection.

May He grant us the strength to deny what is false…
So we may live what is true.
Amen.
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